5 Places NOT To Have Sex On The Trail
If you're like me, the idea of having sex on the trail may leave you scratching your head in wonderment. But if you and your significant other enjoy the outdoors, it’s only natural you’ll want to enjoy them together. So if the prospect of a 10 mile hike or trail run is not enough for you, and you're lucky enough to meet someone who shares your passion for the outdoors and an equally strong libido, go for it! To help the experience go more smoothly, here are a few tips on where NOT to have sex while camping.
Trail heads or junctions
Although the name itself might be riddled with sexual innuendo, this is pretty much the one location where you're guaranteed an audience. The outdoor enthusiasts setting out for a run or hike might be able to stomach the odd bit of elk rutting, but I don't think they'll be as appreciative of your alfresco mating season. So if you’re going to have sex in the woods, keep it off the beaten path.
Trail passes, slides and outcroppings
Unless you’re an exhibitionist, steer clear of these open spaces on the trail. While they might present a nice view, you’re giving everyone else a good show too. If there's one place other hikers and runners are guaranteed to be keeping an eye on, it’s an opening in the trail, whether summit or slide. Although you might think you have an early warning system since they’re visible from far away, let's just go with, 'if you can see them, they can see you.’ From a personal point of view, if you make it to a trail pass or up a steep climb to a break in the trees, and still have the energy to have sex on the trail, you're not hiking/running hard enough.
Waterfalls or popular outlooks
We've all seen what Tom Cruise can do under a waterfall in Cocktail, but what they didn't show you was the dozens of pissed off tourists standing behind the camera. Waterfalls, outlooks and even lake shores are highly-coveted trail destinations. Although you might be able to get away with a small re-enactment of The Lady of The Lake, chances are you won't be alone. I applaud your romantic nature but if I stumble across a couple fornicating in a waterfall, my first thought will be to remind them that I need to refill my water bottle from that. Besides, let's face it, the water is usually absolutely freezing and you won't be showing your better side.
When this tents a rocking, don't come a knocking. If you’re out in the wilderness and have a remote site to yourself, you don’t have to worry about who’s overhearing you have sex in the woods. But a tent has the noise-muffling capacity of a sieve. You may feel like its private alone time, but have sex in a tent at a public campground where there’s little ambient noise, and you'll be the ones putting on the equivalent of a rock concert.
Canoes and rowboats
You’re out for an evening paddle, watching the sunset and the stars rise, maybe you have a bottle of wine – it’s awfully romantic…until you flip into the lake. Sex is best kept on dry land. But if you and your partner do decide to rock the boat, make sure you have PFDs handy! I would love to see you try to explain this situation to other evening boaters or rescue teams – don’t make them come out there for you.
So if you're still not put off from having sex in the woods, and this has only increased your insatiable appetite for... well, shall we call it 'trail rutting,' then get out there and go at it. For a little added comfort having sex on the trail, consider self-inflatable air mattresses and sleeping bags that zip together. Or for those who love the outdoors but are just a bit less adventures, you can still enjoy sex while camping – just book a little B&B near the trail for some alone time after a long day on the trail!